I hate the park. Despise it. I feel like I should be taking my kids out for fresh air and exercise, but all I can think about when we’re there is how many other things I could be doing. I would rather scrub my toilet with a paintbrush than spend an hour at the park. In fact, the only time I actually think about cleaning my house is when I’m at the park with my kids. I’m good for maybe 20 minutes before my ADD is ready to go.
Pat is awesome at the park. Thank goodness. He’ll take the kids and let them play forever and leave me at home where I spend time doing much more important things…like eating nachos.
Part of my problem with the park is that I’m not exactly sure what I’m supposed to be doing there. Nod and smile at other mothers? Pretend not to be annoyed when their children trample mine? Walk around the climber and carefully spot my precocious three year old as he steadies himself on the highest platform? Can I bring my book? Can I bring my laptop? Can I bring a cocktail?
See how this is all very confusing for me??
Here are a few tips that I discovered make the park an enjoyable experience for all involved:
- Monkey Bar Knock Off
Distract your show off monkey bar climber from completing the set of bars by shouting distracting statements to her. Yelling “Mr. Noodle eats babies!” will cause your child to laugh and lose her grip and you will get an intense satisfaction at seeing your show off fail. Feel free to let her know that you knew she couldn’t do it…and then repeat the process when she climbs back up to PROVE she can cross the monkey bars.
Challenge your three year old to jump from high surfaces. If he falls and breaks something you will have the added bonus of an exciting topic to post on and if he makes the jump then…you’ll need to find a higher platform.
Laugh and clap as your dog excitedly runs after all the children. He should be friendly and not bite, but the occasional knock over can lead to hearty laughs for everyone. Apologize to parents when you leash him back up. Also be sure that the dog is 100% yours and that there are no hefty fees involved should somebody attempt to harm him.
Spin your kids on the tire swing as fast as you can. Watching them stumble will be good fun and they’ll think twice before hounding you to push them in the future.
Pack them in a back pack and don’t tell the kids you have them. When they’re distracted yell “FIRE IN THE HOLE!” and just start throwing them at every child you see. Parents will think it’s cute and the kids will have a ton of fun.
- Show Your Kids That Even Though You’re Old, You Still Own The Playground
These kids think they’re such hot shots with their monkey bar skipping and swing jumping abilities. Show them how it’s really done. A certain someone used to rule the playground before they were even born and that certain someone was you. Reclaim it.