I’ve come to the conclusion that I am the only normal sleeper on the face of this planet. Everyone I’ve ever slept with has some kind of sleep disorder that prevents them from staying in one non-snoring, closed mouth, blankets spread neatly and pulled tidily up to the chin, position for an entire night.
And I’ve slept with a LOT of people.
My little sister Baby was a freaking nightmare. Still is. Her husband doesn’t even notice because he can’t hear anything behind the snore mask he sleeps with every night. But we shared a room and I know that when I opened my eyes in the morning and sat up in bed and turned on a lamp, Baby would throw herself into the air while yelling “WHAT! WHAT!” utterly confused as to what had just happened.
My older sister Lolo was found digging in her own bed for a baby that was sleeping in a swing nearby. I’ll gladly waver the sleep disorder diagnosis and replace it with deprivation, but it’s still really weird.
Of all my sleep partners my husband takes the taco for the absolute nuttiest. Pat is the most laid back, even keeled person you’ll ever meet. Just…don’t. wake. the sleeping bear.
OH MY GOD DON’T WAKE HIM!
If I turn ever so slightly and happen to graze his shoulder with my arm, Pat will turn to attack me.
He will turn to attack me, I will scream “NO DON’T DO IT” with my arms blocking my head and he will glare at me and mutter something inaudible (perhaps in tongue) and turn to go back to sleep.
In the morning I will say “Geez Pat, do you remember wanting to punch me in the face last night?” and he’ll be all “No I remember YOU punching ME in my SHOULDER!!”
It’s gotten quite comical. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t get a bit of a charge out of seeing my sweet man going from 0 to 60 over the tiniest movements. One time I came to bed and I SWEAR he had only been there for five minutes. I thought he was fake sleeping. I picked up the small board book Kainoa had left on my side of the bed and I *lightly* dropped it on Pat’s chest. Unfortunately for the book, Pat actually was sleeping and did his usual Silent Assassin Attack by throwing the book against the wall, clear across the room.
It’s sleep rage is what it is.
I’m waiting for him to punch me one day. I WANT him to punch me. Do you know how absolutely guilt ridden he would feel? He would spoil me for the rest of my life to make up for the black eye he gave me in Silent Assassin Attack mode! I’d probably get diamonds or a new sports car or OMG A BABY!
I just need one good solid hit in the eye.
That’s all I need.
Joy says
OMG can you please just get some of it on video that would make for an awesome vlog! just something small like tickle his nose with a feather or dip his finger in warm water;)
Nicole @MTDLBlog says
You’re not right. LOL….but funny nonetheless.
PS: My husband said he woke up to me teaching to a mirror one night. I blame it on stress…… ;-)
Kandice says
You are my new best friend! I have a kid that has to be held down physically to get him still long enough to GO to sleep then… if I BREATHE like I might be considering moving away he’s up like a shot! lol
Lin says
That’s hilarious! My hubs is the sort of the same way, he’s a really light sleeper & have to be really careful about how I move in bed otherwise it’s like asking for an elbow to throat (which has actually happened, on accident of course), ha ha.
JustMom420zaks says
I’m married to sleep-asshole as well. Except for instead of physically attacking me, he mutters arguments to me in his sleep.
I poke him in the shoulder to tell him to roll over because he’s snoring. He replies, “It’s just this kind of thing that makes me not want to talk to you.” I say, “What the hell, we weren’t talking, I just want you to roll over. Can you roll over?” he says, “I’m rolling over right now.”
Silence, he’s not rolling over. The snoring starts up again. I jab him in the side and say, “Roll over! You’re snoring!” He mumbles something unintelligible, which turns into, “I already fed the damn cat, now leave me alone, I’m watching Trucks!” In which I then use all my strength to physically roll him onto his side. He mumbles and I say, “Go to sleep!”
In the morning? Nothing. He doesn’t remember a thing.
He still tells me to poke him in the side and tell him to roll over. Little does he know what that entails.
Jessica says
Omg. I am LMAO right now! I’m sorry, I can’t help it. These things crack me up!
stef says
Haha. That is hilarious and scary all at the same time. Hubs sleeps like a log. ONe that is petrified. But he also does crazies in his sleep and all you can do is just wait it out… Unfortunately, none of it would involve guilt, darn it.
Alicia @MommyDelicious says
How funny! It’s crazy what people do in their sleep. LOL.
Leah says
I’ve been punched and elbowed. My husband also has the most incredible snore. Sometimes I lay there and count the seconds until he takes a breath. The longer it takes for him to inhale the louder it will be. He refuses to wear the c-pap mask because he can’t roll over with it on. Most recently I woke to him crying in his sleep. When I woke him and asked what he was crying about he said, “I was having a dream about the devil”. Now that’s weird!
Vicarious Chelsea says
Oh, if I had a nickel for every time I wished to be punched in the face…
Erin says
I so hope you get your baby!!! And speaking of babies….did you ever get your current baby Potty trained? And if so will you take mine and Potty train him!!
And? My husband, if you bug him while sleeping, he jumps out of his skin….literally! I still think its fake!
Chrysti H says
Oh, my. My husband certainly isn’t violent in his sleep. I did learn not too long ago, however never to wake him for petty little things… He could have punched me for that if he wasn’t so kind and patient. But the whole world blew up when I asked him to help change the duvet in the middle of the night! Oops.
Eve says
I am THAT person…… My husband constantly complains about me, I talk in my sleep, but not your regular mumble and grumble, I mean I have full-blown conversations, I answer questions, I laugh out loud, I cry… I also apparently punch and kick my husband regularly (he probably asked for it anyway) :)
I also lie on my back, pull up my legs and then sway them gently from side to side… he counters this by just kicking my feet from under me…
But, I do NOT snore (well, that’s my version and I’m sticking to it). I never wake up in the position I fell asleep, the covers are all bungled and messy, one of the pillows is usually on the floor but hey, I feel fresh as a daisy when I wake up in the morning! (At least one of us gets a good night’s rest).
Gigi says
I *have* been punched in the head by my hubby while he was having a violent dream! The diamonds, gold, and the baby?? Didn’t happen. But the guilt, oh my – that can be (and is) still used to this day.
June Freaking Cleaver says
The Mister must be a saint (and slightly hearing impaired) to sleep with me. I fidget (my feet have to be covered properly – not too tight so I can move them).
I talk, I snore. Loudly.
My snores even wake me up sometimes.
I get random foot cramps and charlie horses and jump out of bed, saying “Ow, ow, ow!”
And I have this annoying habit (since I’m a light sleeper)…if he gets up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom, I automatically sit up and say, “Where are you going?”…like he’s off to the convenience store for a Milky Way, and he wasn’t going to bring candy home for me.
No wonder he looks so well rested when he returns from working out of town.
Mommy Shorts says
This is SO my husband. More nights than not, he’ll fall asleep on the couch watching TV. If I attempt to wake him to get him to go to the bedroom, his entire body makes a sudden jerky convulsion and he will stare up at me with such fear, anger and confusion that I have begun to believe that I morph into Freddy Kruger after 11pm. Finally, I just decided to leave him on the couch.
But I do know another silent, tidy sleeper— ME! (Although I don’t go to bed until at least 3am every night when my brain starts screaming at me so that’s probably not exactly normal).
MarytheKay says
This is FUNNY stuff!!! You had me at, “I need to get punched in the face.” How could I NOT click???
Sandy (@sandyel) says
Too funny. I hope he punches you… hahahaha! His guilt will take you so far! ;)
Jennifer says
My husband totally does that leg sway thing pulling the blankets all over the bed. Drives me nuts. I swipe his feet out from under him too.
Bethany says
I’m a first-timer and you seriously made me lol here…
My husband is gigantic and has the big ol popeye elbows (you know, like those POINTY ones?) and when we were first married he would always be elbowing me in the face at night… MAN there was some guilt!
I am ALSO a tidy sleeper. I go to sleep, and might make a few mumbly sounds apparently, but for the most part I just sleep and wake up.
Jennifer says
My friend’s husband is an Army Ranger. When he came back from his training he was the same way. One night he was having a dream and she woke him up. The next thing she knew he was on top of her with his hands around her neck. It was like this super scary killer reflex thing he brought back home from training.
Aunt Bethany says
Hi Mama Kat! I’ve been referred to your blog by another fellow blogger/photog Angelia Sims. This is my first time visiting your website, and I love what I see so far. I plan to eventually get involved in your Thursday Prompt challenges, but I’m just going to browse your site for a while!
We used to call my father “The Woodchopper” growing up, because that’s the sound he made at night. Of course, I also had my fair share of sleep stories growing up. One anecdote my mother still tells (at large family gatherings/parties) was the night I sleptwalked out of bed, walking downstairs, sat on the kitchen steps, and peed. (Even though this happened when I was 24, she still likes to tell it…just kidding…but seriously…she STILL likes to tell it).
Just Call Me Lynn says
Although I have nights where I hardly move and the bed is almost completely made when I awake, I do have crazy nights where I teach in my sleep, wake up screaming or even run from my room in hopes of saving my life.
Stress?
shafeena says
Amazing… i think your husband and my and sleep-clones… he has the exact same reaction to me even grazing his leg… :D
Melody says
OMG, I had no idea it was so common. Is it just a guy thing?! Mine too, but I’d HATE to be punched, being elbowed and kneed (enough to bruise) at night is more than enough!
gina says
My FIL also has sleep rage, or so I’ve heard. I’m too afraid to get too close to him when he’s sleeping to get first hand knowledge.
Mrs. Jen B says
DH is a little bit like that – not much though, he’ll just get really startled if I so much as whisper his name. I on the other hand will physically assault you if you dare wake me up – and I’m fairly conscious of it (most of the time). Once, though, I wasn’t…back in the day when we did such things, he tried to wake me up a half hour early for a lil somethin. I mumbled “Get the hell off me” and fell back to sleep. I have no memory of this. I woke up and turned to find him sulking, genuinely upset that I shunned him. I’m glad I didn’t start swinging – then I’d be the one buying him fancy things!
Jenn @ That Just Happened says
As someone who HAS been punched in the face by their sleeping partner, I can tell you they seem to get over it awfully fast. I, however, will keep bringing it up to try to make him feel guilty. He will say sorry and then get on with his life. So not fair!
Sarafree says
You’re so funny! I find when my husband doesn’t answer the phone for whatever ADD moment he’s having (usually hours long, when I’m worried he’s died on his way home or worse) that I am justified in spending money. Too bad he’s not a Sleep Assassin, no guilt to work with there.
Jill says
Too funny! My little sister had “the Heebee Jeebeez” in her sleep all the time.
eventheniceone says
Oh my goodness!!!!!
Sounds like sleeping with my kids. Why can’t we just lay there, with our blankets instead of having WWE matches in the middle of the night whilst still sleeping.
Crystal says
Sleep rage…that’s so funny! My hubby is crazy when I wake him. I’ve learned not to. He ran after me through our house one time (buck-naked and everything) because he thought I was a burgaler. CRAZY!!! Plus, he pee-ed in my vanity drawer one of our first nights home with new baby. Of course, he claims sleeper’s amnesia…it’s related to sleep rage.
Sharon says
My sister ranks right there with your man! She is also a sleeping bear. Or should I say bear cub. It’s not like she’s big enough to be a full grown bear. However, should one wake her from a sound sleep, she can do karate and seven other Chinese words in her sleep. It’s wild, really!
dysfunctional mom says
You could work wonders with some black makeup….just saying…..
Jennifer says
lol. I am the one that has the sleep rage in my house. But only if I’m deep asleep. Which I haven’t been in MONTHS thanks to being pregnant and now a baby. So my husband and children (yes, children) are safe for now. At least until the first night the baby sleeps through the night. Then it’s on. lol. I’ve hit my husband several times. And my children have narrowly escaped being punched by trying to wake me. Now they wake their dad. Never me. They learned. lol.
Cottage By The Sea says
I once did actually slug my hubby right in the face while he was sleeping. I was also sleeping and having a dream that he was cheating on me. Humph! I guess that will teach him, he hasn’t done it since.
I now have my own sleeping condition and have to take an Ambien every night just to get to sleep. Terrible insomnia but, Ambien is a great drug. Even if you are asleep but you happen to get up you have a good time. I’ve cooked oatmeal, mowed the lawn and taken a walk with a homeless man down the beach. How much more fun can you have while you’re sleeping? At least I put my P.J.’s on first. I think.
Bobi says
oh my gosh this is hillarious… but I have to say that I got slugged in the eye by my hubby in the middle of the night and I got so mad that I wanted to slugg him right back. He didn’t even remember doing it. No it didn’t get me any diamonds or other treats like that.
great post. i’ve loved reading you readers comments too.
Bella says
THIS IS hilarious! My husband is the same exact way. I get the whole charge thing totally. Thanks for the laugh.
Betty says
This is too funny!! I am constantly getting elbowed in the head and hubby always wonders why I always have a headache. LOL
Carri says
My husband is the SAME WAY. At least once a week, he is up sleepwalking and doing the weirdest things. He’ll wake up in a total panic looking for our son, he’ll get up and get ready for work (at 3am) or he’ll think the house is on fire and try to throw the dog out the closed window. True story.
LindaH says
Unfortunately, I’ve been punched by a sleeping assassin. Not in the face, but in the back. I couldn’t breathe for two whole minutes. Ok, maybe it was like 20 seconds.
Nothing. It got me a great big bruise, but nothing else…I’m still waiting on the diamonds (have been waiting for over 20 years).
Liz says
I will only say, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. My husband punch me in the mouth, bloodie my lip all because he was dreaming of beating a snake with a long piece of wood. (which was his fist btw)
We now sleep in two rooms most nights. I hung up the gloves long ago!!!
Mandy says
That was hilarious! I’m still laughing and have been for probably 5 minutes! I’m laughing so hard that I’ve got tears streaming down my face and still insisted on reading it out loud to my husband. In our house, I’m the Silent Assassin though. I was pregnant with our now 14 year old and woke myself up one night becuase I’d smacked him so hard on his back. The sound of the hit woke me up and all I could do was say, “I’m so sorry, are you okay?” before going back to my immediate sleep. He’ll wake up and ask me who I was fighting with in my dreams the night before after an exceptionally rough night. He’s so good though, he’ll just move a little closer to the edge and let me carry on. I guess it’s a good thing he loves me!
Jessica says
“That was hilarious! I’m still laughing and have been for probably 5 minutes! I’m laughing so hard that I’ve got tears streaming down my face” Ditto! I’m laughing so hard I can’t breathe and my bf keeps looking at me like I’m crazy!