pat: so what do you want to pick up for dinner?
me: Ummm….I dunno….hey have we written out a will yet?
pat: nope. It’s on the long list of things we should be, but aren’t doing.
me: Listen to this…Adrian wrote a post that says that if we don’t write up a will and you die…I could have a hard time getting your money. I’m going to be a single mom of three kids, distraught, mourning the loss of the love of my life and unable to pay our bills because YOUR money will be tied up in the courts until my non-existent lawyer helps me get my hands on it.
pat: What state is she in?
me: I don’t know…not this one?
pat: Well she’s about right…depends on how you look at it.
me: (sensing a long explanation) Well whatever. I just think we should probably do it.
pat: It’s pretty complex Kat…just think of everything we’ll need to set a plan for…what if we both die…
me: The kids will go to Lolo and Handyman. We discussed that.
pat: I know, but I disagree. I think the kids should go to your Mom for awhile and transition them to Lolo’s.
me: Yeah, well they’ll figure it out I’m sure. We can leave them to Lolo and I trust that she’ll make the decisions that are right for our kids. That’s kind of what you’re saying when you hand your kids over to the person you want to raise them.
pat: What if I want them to go to Hawaii?
me: HAWAII!?! What are you talking about?? You’ve never mentioned that before!
pat: I know, well I don’t want them to go there, I’m just sayin…
me: Why would you say that?
pat: I’m just saying that’s why this can be complex…you might have disagreements…
me: But we already agreed….Lolo and Handyman can just have it all…they can take our kids and all our money and cash everything out…go buy a house on the waterfront or something.
pat: They can’t buy a house on the waterfront with our money!
me: I’m just SAYING…it’s theirs! They’ll need a bigger home!
pat: Well they don’t need to be on the water!
me: IT’S HYPOTHETICAL! GOD! LIKE THEY’RE JUST GOING TO GO BLOW ALL THE MONEY!!!
pat: You just never know…and that’s why we would need to say in our will that we want X amount of dollars to go towards our kids’ education and that we want our kids to have some of that money…just in case the people we leave them with decide to be irresponsible with it.
me: You’re talking about my sister by the way. Do you REALLY think she wouldn’t do everything she can to make sure our kids are taken care of….(eyes welling up. this isn’t good.)
pat: I’m sure she would kat, but these are our kids and WE are their parents…WE need to set them up the way we see fit.
me: (starting to cry) I just feel like every time we have a conversation you take the opposing side and disagree with me just to have something to argue about.
pat: Kat. I’m not taking the opposing side and disagreeing with something just so we have something to argue about.
me: (tears streaming) Well that’s how I feel.
pat: Don’t you think talking about our impeding death when you’re….pre….menstrual….probably is not a good idea? And maybe we should talk about this when it isn’t weighing so heavily on your mind.
me: It’s always weighing heavily. ALWAYS.
pat: Cough. Okay then…………..so what do you want to pick up for dinner?
me: (somberly) I don’t know. A therapist?
Cassandra says
Okay, I’m not laughing at you, but I am laughing. Circular conversations can be rather entertaining.
trashalou says
I love Pat’s ‘am I willing to unleash this potential DeltaForce response’ pausing before mentioning a potential link between your questions and your menstrual cycle.
When did I become my Mom says
Boy is he BRAAAVE to make the PMS connection there!!! I love how he brings it around to his original question. Heh heh.
Not that I disagree with him – you gotta take the time. Which is why mine aint done yet either!
melissa aka equidae says
its a big responsibilty and yes it needs to be thought of carefully….
Karen, author of "My Funny Dad, Harry" says
The will is a big chore and not easy to discuss but something that needs to be done. One more thing that makes life complicated–even more so when you have children! This should be moved up to the top of that list though–you’ll feel better when it’s done.
Melissa B. says
A rambling, funny way to make a GREAT point. EVERYONE needs to have a will! Mr. Fairway went to school with a couple who died young (accident) and they had no will and 3 kids. Not a pretty picture!
On a lighter note, wanted to let you know I’m hosting the Academy Awards of Bloggy Bling today, and you’re a recipient! Have a lovely…
Los says
The “will” discussion is always a happy one, isn’t it?
Stephanie @ Geezees says
I remember when we had the “talk”, never fun, but you have to do it.
3 Men & a Lady says
Ugh, I don’t even want to have this discussion b/c I know we won’t agree. So I’m just going to outlive him so it won’t be an issue.
Chrissy MacCEO says
I’m laughing only because we have had this EXACT same conversation and we still DONOT have that will written! Thanks for sharing!!
Shanna says
LOL Awwwww :( I feel for you! We’re setting ours up next month with our tax return!!
Stephanie says
Writing a will seems like you are signing you death certificate. I know its a good idea but we haven’t gotten around to it either and we should.
Rhonda says
We are so on the same page here!! lol
Jen @ buried with children says
Aw, poor you.
Jeff and I have a will and we did it b/c his mom forced us too. She got a bee in her bonnet at all her kids needed a will so she paid for it. Well, long story short, its out dated. Hayden is well taken care of and has a place to live but the triplets, they will be left high and dry. Hopefully, Hayden likes them and will share the money.
Shell says
Hubs and I majorly disagree about whom our kids should go to in the event we both die. He thinks his mom, I think my younger brother. Though, I’m okay with it being his mom for a little while and then my brother. Complicated stuff.
Wanna loan me that therapist?
Natalie says
Great & funny. We’ve had almost the exact same conversation. We just end up fighting & nothing gets solved. So, if we both die the kids will get split up & our money will be tied up in courts. What fun!
The best advice I’ve heard is have your kids go to one house & your money in another. Have a trust of sorts set up. That way, the money can ONY be used for the kids.
Heather says
I’ve never thought about this before, it’s just a landmine waiting to go off isn’t it? Sheesh, a conversation we should probably have but am not looking forward to it.
Foursons says
We have to get our will done too. I just hate that they are so stinkin’ expensive to have done!
Jennifer says
Your Pat sounds a lot like my David. I wonder how they put up with us?
Amanda says
I’ve never thought about writing something up, maybe because I’m not married yet, don’t have kids and don’t really have anything that anyone would want, except debt and a new computer…lol
But I do know that once I get married this will be something I want to do and especially after I have children!
Amy says
Thinking about DYING when you are PMS’ing is NOT a good thing!
Just sayin….
Kat says
Don’t you love when the what’s for dinner conversation can go just about anywhere?!?! We just set up our will not to long ago. Its very challenging and sometimes hard to think about. Especially when trying to picture our 11 month old as a 25 year old and when he would get the money. Crazy.
Sadie at heyMamas says
Working on your will is never a fun thing and thanks for reminding me because I have to re-work mine and have it notarized…it has been sitting in my files for like 5 years!! So bad.
Feel better….
Sadie at heyMamas
Cindy Powell says
The Husband and I just had our wills done. I’m glad we did. It is a relief to have it done.
Adoption of Jane says
I need to do that as well, ecspecially being a Single Parent I can think of 101 people I DONT want the kids to go to… I think I will take your advice about Therapy first though!
amber says
We’ve been talking about doing up a will, but talking is as far as we’ve gotten. The last discussion devolved into an argument about who should get our daughter if we were to die…
Sarah Ruth says
Hubby and I have been talking about this too. We’ve been married for a little over a MONTH but we’re talking about it, and have to do it soon! He is deploying to Afghanistan soon and I don’t want him to not have a will when he leaves. Its very depressing to think about it though.
Emmy says
We need to write a will too… just one of those not fun things that needs to happen.
S Club Mama says
We haven’t made out a will either. We had a couple of friends picked out to be the guardians of the kids, but we aren’t close to them any more and just looking at their marriage and lifestyle, it’s not what we want our kids to be in. But we don’t want either of our parents to have them (I want my kids to have their guardians around for awhile) or our siblings. It’s a hard choice. Hard.
S Club Mama says
Plus it’s so much money to do legally
Blythe says
Sounds like great strides were made ;-)
Suzicate says
That was one of the hardest things we ever had to do. Now the kids are early twenties and know our estate is equally divided between them…should we reinforce that if you do your parents in, you’re no longer entitled to the money?!
The Psycho Mama says
Haha, that is awesome. I totally know how you feel, it is so overwhelming deciding who will raise your kids! The Hubbs and I just had this conversation last night, actually, and we are totally dragging our heels when it comes to getting the forms notarized.
Potential Mummy B says
Ha ha! My hubs and I had a similar (but not quite so important) conversation at the weekend that involved me ending up in tears. I actually (for the first time I can ever remember) flounced off and slammed a door or two! The big difference is though, my hubs isn’t brave enough to make the link between my moods and my hormones – he knows he’d lose an important body part if he did!
Love the conversation though – hope your dinner was nice!
PMB
Untypically Jia says
Can you get fries with that?
kiki says
we had our wills done when Junior was about 6 months. it was hard to choose who would get custody, but we didn’t want family members to fight over him. even if we pass on and it comes to that, i’m sure someone in the family will protest our wishes anyway. at the time we chose a family member, my sister-in-law. she has an amazing job and financial security. she values education and that is important to us. at the time she was recently widowed, but has now remarried and we need to discuss things with her and her new husband. he might not want our son. my sister and my other sister-in-law have 3 kids each and we didn’t want to burden them with another child. both are not happy with our decision. it is so important to have a will and to update it each year since things change. we need to reevaluate our current wills. one thing we did agree on is that if something were to happen to either of us and there was no hope for recovery, we would pull the plug. it’s horrible to think about that, but we have decided on our final plans as well. good luck and i hope you and pat can come to an agreement. take care.
alyssa says
This is just one of those things that you don’t want to talk about but you know that you HAVE to at one time or another…and more often than not it is not going to turn out pretty. I hope the therapist does not charge a lot b/c we are going to be needing a few sessions Hubby and I don’t agree!
Lourie says
Ours is not written. It’s one of those things we like to brush under the carpet and not think about. Yeah, I know. Not good.
Cascia @ Healthy Moms says
What a great conversation. My husband and I still haven’t discussed creating a will, but it might not be a bad idea. I hope you and your hubby can work out your differences. Counseling is helping with my marriage.
dusty earth mother says
We did the will thing about a year ago and it was similar–but not about our kids, that was easy. We argued about who should get our pugs.
We’re pathetic.
LaMereJoie says
This is always hard which is why we don’t have a will either. My in-laws are the only people I trust with our kids but they are in their upper 70’s. My family isn’t on the same page as I am about raising them and my husbands siblings aren’t either. So basically we will never have a will either.
Good luck!!!
Christopher (AKA: CaJoh) says
I’m having a hard enough time figuring out how we’re going to do our taxes. Please don’t remind me of the possibility of a will.
The best of skill in finding said lawyer and putting this one behind you.
Ruth says
yikes- this IS a hard one… I have to mirror how brave Pat is to mention pms in the middle of an argument involving tears… very brave or very stupid….
I have a will from the mid 90’s that is completely useless now, since I now have 2 and 3/4 more kids AND a husband…. we don’t agree on where the kids should go… and at this point who would even be willing able to take all FOUR of them. It’s a lot to ask of anyone, really, but when I think of splitting them up I just disolve into tears. So we fall into the “gosh we need to do something about that honey” but who knows when we’ll actually get around to doing it catagory.
Thanks for reinforcing that nagging feeling that I need to make something happen in that area… : P
Lolli says
I would love to be a fly on the walls for your conversations.
I hate thinking about wills. Honestly. I can’t even imagine how I would cope if my husband died. I think I’d insist that my dad fly out for a few weeks and clean everything up for me. That’s the responsible thing to do, right?
Christie says
Ugggg. Now you have me thinking about dying and my poor kids being left behind to fend for themselves.
Continue blogging or start writing will crap down?
Hmmmm.
Maybe just a couple more minutes, it’s not like I’m gonna die while at the computer.
kisatrtle says
good luck with the Will. It was challenging doing ours. At first we picked my husband’s sister to be the guardian but after seeing her with her children we changed our minds….lol
Now my sister gets them but we are hoping that we don’t die becasue they are in N.C. and that would be a huge adjustment.
Aleta says
Part of me wants to laugh… part of me appreciates and understands…. and part of it makes me sad. It was a funny conversation and you do want to make sure your children are cared for, yet you need to take care of something that can be heartbreaking and pray it never needs to happen.
kelly says
Did you read the manual that came with your husband? Wait. I think I have mine right here. Yup. On page seven it says, If he throws down the PMS card, it is an automatic kick in the balls. ;)
Ashley @ Just Another Mom of 2 says
I’m in the laughing with you while totally nodding my head in agreement and mentally reviewing what we need to do to finish ours! It’s a bit of a depressing topic, but so necessary. We are pretty agreeable on most of the decisions, we’re pretty lucky in that there is really only one person we want our children anywhere near (my sister). Luckily, the rest of the family on both sides drives us crazy enough that there is not much of a battle. Ahem. Anyway…
Heather says
Ah, poor Kat. It definitely is a conversation worth having. Hopefully Pat will just see it all your way and agree with you. Sounds like your sister is the best option. She and Handyman look so cute with them. Good luck whatever you decide to do in your afterlife. We’ll sure miss you around here. :)
MsBabyPlan says
Great conversation before dinner. LOL, :). To make a will is essential when you have kidsin your marriage, even before that. Good that you are thinging about it.
angel says
Aww hun I so feel ya. As the adult child of a man who died without alegal will and agreedy conniving wife I can seeyour hubby’s point. We are still in court fighting her, only the case has fallen in our favor cause ahem her lies are catching up with her.. I don’t think you would do that.. I think you should be entitled they are your kids nad his kids and only marriage.. I am just saying if ya’ll got dicvorced and oh wait I am just gonna shutup I am so not helpping lol
Katherine says
We’ve already got it in writing who would take our kids if both Hubster and I died. But right at this moment, there’s not a lot else. I don’t really see many relatives fighting over who want the rest of our mortgage or the $100K student loans.
Jenners says
Please do get yourself a will now and have the guardian thing written down just in case. And I hope you all have life insurance too. I’m just saying this because I’ve had friends who learned this the very very very hard way.
But somehow you manage to make this very amusing as well.
Jenners says
Oh yeah … and if I ever win a mouse in a secret giveaway on your blog that I don’t know I even entered, I respectfully decline it….even if it is autographed.
Kathy says
Awww I’ve been there.
Cranky Sarah says
It wasn’t that intense, or hormone fueled, but Hubs and I had a similar conversation about an hour before I got to this. When I just had 1 kid our best friends were going to take her if something happened. Now that I have 3 and they have 1 and 1 on the way, I’ve got to change it. Fortunately my brother is growing into quite a good man, so it will be him.
Tracy P. says
Oh, we have so been there! After years of going around about who should get the kids and who should get the money, my husband’s benefits elections offered a legal plan where you could pay a flat rate and get all that taken care of, and you HAD to do it that year. It got done in November. I cannot read the document and make a lick of sense out of it to save my life, but I’m told it says exactly what I was thinking. ;-) You guys just need to get a lawyer and let him or her give you the questionnaire, and start filling in the blanks. It is maddeningly complicated, which is why you want to hash it out only when you are ready to sign on the dotted line. When Pat starts talking like it’s too complicated, tell him that’s exactly why he needs to start checking into it. Because he is so smart about stuff like that.
adrianscrazylife says
Well, I guess my work is done now. I’ve actually got people thinking about this. It ain’t fun to do it, but it’s even less fun for your loved ones if you don’t. You’ll figure it out. Sorry if I caused a big bruhahaha for you ‘n Pat!
Erin says
Yikes as if I didn’t have enough things to think about…now you have given me just one more. I figured it was enough that they were bene’s on our life insurance policy and my mom would take them. Sheesh….well umm…no time for blogging I need to go make a will!!
LZ @ My Messy Paradise says
After my second was born, it got to the point where I was nervous leaving the house with my husband and not the kids. Neurotic and a bit post-partum, but I was worried. What if something happened? “Our parents will take care of them.” “Whose parents?” “Oh.” And we realized that there were several sets of relative who would probably expect to be their guardians, and and we’d never named anyone. And out of the those sets of people, a few we’d never want to see care for them!!
Will – check! I feel better now. It was quick and painless, but some tough questions. We were actually asked if we wanted certain music played during our funerals. Not so easy to answer and then hear those songs…
Dawn says
Hey, we’ve had this conversation and it was almost identical, minus the Hawaii part. Although my husband and I still can’t agree on where the kids would go. It’s not pretty.
I hope he brought home a therapist that can cook.
Messy Mommy says
We haven’t written a will either. UGH!
Lavinia says
I’ve been lonkoig for a post like this forever (and a day)
Justine says
OMG, did you really have this entire conversation, or did you take creative licensee? Serious shit, but funny as hell too.
Justine :o )
Ginny says
You should read a play called “Barefoot in The Park” I just wrote a review about it on my blog. I think you’ll get a kick out of it. I don’t have children but I have a husband and we REALLY connected with this story!
Sera @ Laughing Through the Chaos says
I love how you can manage to make this amusing for the rest of us. This is something we need to do. A friend of mine even just gave me a CD with a format for it and everything. I just dread the conversation. I mean, it’s gotta be DONE, but ughhh…how depressing, and I don’t even want to think about the disagreements that could ensue…
More Than A Mom says
It’s hard to think of not being with your kids forever. Even harder to think of them living without you. I hope you are able to make some decisions together. Perhaps meet with a lawyer and they can provide you with a list of decisions you will need to make? Good luck. I feel better with ours in place – just in case.
Adrian says
Did you read today’s Women & Finance post? Might sound a little familiar. Time to start bugging Pat again…