“I just hate those things!!”
Spoken like a true Mom. She was never a fan of fireworks. We were nestled in the hills of Morton, Washington. Logging capital of the nation.
I just made that last part up, but it’s seriously hillbilly territory and there are lots of logging-ish type factory things.
We all assumed our positions. Me with my pre-pubescent angst and a black lab at my feet. I believed I was meant for the country. A cowgirl at heart if you will. Minus the bugs and the smell of dirty animals and the slave labor part. What I’m trying to say is that I really wanted to ride a fast horse while wearing a cowboy hat.
My little brother carried a bundle of dynamite tucked beneath one arm and a pack of matches in the other while my Mom squawked on about firework safety.
My little sister was curled into a lawn chair with her legs tucked up against her chest and her t-shirt pulled over the top of her knees so that she looked like some kind of large-breasted little person. Sometimes she would pull her legs out each of her sleeves and walk around like a weird two-legged crab. She considered this a talent and would perform it for anyone paying the slightest bit of attention to her. I tried to ignore her whenever possible.
“It’s just not safe, what with all these dry trees and shrubs and all…I don’t like this.”
Mom was always trying to ruin our fun. The older she got, the more vocal she was about hating fireworks. For the most part, my step-dad ignored her firework unfriendliness and encouraged his grown kids to light’em up. Perhaps he’d throw in an “alright kids, moms right…no pointin’ your roman candles directly at the trees this year!! It’s not safe!”, but our mini firework show went on that year without a hitch.
“This is so stupid,” I whispered to my sister.
“This is gonna be awesome!” she perkily replied.
The fireworks got lamer and lamer each year. Mom was slowly winning that battle. I should have brought a book, I thought, as I threw my dog another marshmallow. “You shouldn’t feed your dog table scraps!” chirped my know it all nephew. “I DON’T GIVE A RAT’S ASS WHAT I GIVE MY DOG!!” I shot back.
We were interrupted by the crack of screaming fireworks. After some quick crackles and snaps, my brother set up a “Jumpin’ Jack”. It was a firework known for it’s unpredictable jumpiness. To my delight, after lighting the cracked-out firework it flew right into my little sister’s lap…whistling and jumping on the platform she created with her shirt by shoving her legs up there earlier. The Jumpin’ Jack threatened to light her long precious locks on fire and my eyes were wide in disbelief and ill will.
She was totally stuck. As it turns out, large-breasted little people are not super fast on their feet. Baby couldn’t flip her legs out from under her shirt and she resorted to vigorously blowing on the jumping jack instead, hoping to extinguish the flames with her super powerful…breath.
My brother-in-law jumped to her aid and the jack ran out of steam. My Mom was beside herself and for about 34 seconds everyone was concerned about Baby’s precious well-being, but when things simmered down and positions were re-assumed, I leaned over to Baby and said, “You’re right! This IS awesome!”
June Freaking Cleaver says
So, will your kids get to light fireworks in the future? Or will you turn the story around and say how horribly frightening it was?
Or, like me, will you casually mention the guy in NY who blew off his arm when doing fireworks on Saturday? And how his friends found the arm, and packed it in ice, in an attempt to have it re-attached?
Now, THAT would be awesome, no?
No?
I posted about fireworks, too. I hate July 4.
alexis @depressionsandconfessions says
i don’t like fireworks because i was traumatized by the occasion when i burnt off my bangs, eyebrows, and eyelashes with a candle. one tiny little candle: hair….gone.
Karen & Gerard says
Glad your sister was okay. Just read in the paper the other day about a little girl whose shirt caught on fire while playing with a sparkler! Her brother threw her into their pool to put out the fire–smart thinking on his part.
I hate fireworks–they are a huge waste of money, loud and very annoying, especially when I want to sleep, and extremely dangerous! They make me nervous.
Allison @ Alli 'n Son says
Oh teenage angst, how I miss you.
Glad your sister was OK.
Shell says
LOL Like the concerned sister- right? Oh, my boys would then think it was fun to shoot fireworks at each other on purpose.
trash says
You only said that to her b/c you knew with her arms in full-crab position she couldn’t punch you, right?
AmyBlam says
So terrible yet funny at the same time, I’m glad she survived.
I love fireworks, especially sparklers but after some high school friends had a bottle rocket contest-shooting them at each other-I’m pretty pikcy about who I let set them off.
Jennifer says
I can’t believe your mom let the fireworks continue after that. I would have been a complete freak.
Jen says
Jeff was just tell me a story last night about how he and some friends lit a similar firework in the kitchen sink thinking it would stay in the sink. It did not and some of those ‘friends’ may have ran out of that kitchen screaming like little girls.
Good times.
Nolie says
LMAO! “you are right, this IS awesome”. You are such a sweetheart. Thanks for the laughs. I hate home fireworks. Lame and like to land where they shouldn’t.
liz says
Never considered possible hazards to sitting with one’s legs in one’s shirt before.
Peg says
Ok… I know I’m a terrible adult right now but I can’t help it. I am laughing uproariously at the visual of “large breasted little people” not being able to move very fast and your “You’re right, this IS awesome”. This is too freaking funny. I love it!
Kristy says
You know I don’t like them either! So here comes the rant again! :) My boy couldn’t get to sleep (or us) until 11 last night when the rain finally began and fireworks had to stop. Then, just as I’m putting him down for a nap today, guess what starts popping out in the street. Argh. I went outside and stood on the side walk and gave the tweens dirty looks. It actually worked. They stopped. My boy is sleeping. Damn fireworks.
Jade says
I’m surprised mom didn’t stand her ground and ban fireworks forever! Too funny!
kisatrtle says
OMG that was hillarious
stefanie says
a few years ago my friend alison was attacked by some sort of jumping firework. she turned her head just in time so instead of burning her face off, it burned about 8 inches of hair. she was such a trooper though! she brushed it out, put what she could in a ponytail, and continued to get drunk with the rest of us. if that had been me, i would have left immediately and cried for 6 months!
Lourie says
You meanie you! Hahahaha.
Rebecca says
Baaaahhahahahahahaha…did she slap you in the face after you said that??? That’s what my sister would have done. What vivid memories! I wish my childhood weren’t completely blocked out of my memory! Awesome anecdote!
Justine says
Hahaha. Now THAT’S a good fireworks story. I wonder if your sister developed a phobia of it after this incident?
Lindy Leigh 56 says
*Giggle* I’m pretty sick of fireworks right about now…I need some sleep.
Sara says
This is the funniest thing I have ever read.
Oh, the 4th in Morton. I was thinking about it this year, too. Except I was remembering the years that ended in the ER. :)
(ps, i know i violate the no-family-reading-the-blog thing, but I don’t care :) because I think your blog is great
:))