Next to guilt, regret is one of my least favorite emotions. That feeling that you would give anything to go back and change a choice you made that ultimately lead to an unwanted result.
Like that time my Mom found a poem I had passed around my sixth grade class. It was filled with cuss words and was discovered by my teacher who then told my Mom who proceeded to ground me from the annual summer trip to the local waterpark.
I was SO bummed. I would have given anything to reverse time and go back and throw that stupid poem in the garbage.
God forbid you’re unfortunate enough to experience the sharp edge of regret. When regret is coupled with yearning. I spent my whole life idealizing my childhood and wanting nothing more than to just go back to when our family was whole …when the big laughing man was alive and well and the rest of us weren’t left missing him.
I have a feeling I’m living the moments I’ll want to go back to someday. God forbid anything ever happens to my family, these days are exactly what I’ll be yearning for.
I’ve been thinking about taking my girls on a little road trip to visit a friend of mine and it’s crossed my mind that at some point on this long drive a drunk driver could cross traffic and cause an accident that would leave me regretting the decision to ever leave my house.
We won’t go, I’ll think to myself…not worth it. The risk is not worth the reward. We’ll stay home where we’re safe and drunk drivers can’t get us.
But then I’ll think, crap, we’re not safe here either. Even just a short trip to Target could cost us our very lives!
So then I’ll think, that’s it…with today’s technology we should be fine in our house forever. People can visit us here. We can order pizza and we’ll be safe!
And then I’ll think, what about a kitchen fire? Maile’s going to want to learn to cook and that is just BOUND to be a giant disaster!!!
And it’s at then that I have my my Aha! Moment and suddenly understand why 90% of all mom bloggers seem to have depression and anxiety disorders.
We make ourselves freaking crazy with all that thinking and what not.
Lucky for me there’s a stable character in my head who keeps the rest of us in line. You’ll be FINE! she says, most people live their whole lives without being hit head on by a drunk driver on a road trip to see a friend…stop worrying so much!
It’s so nice to have someone remind you that you’re perfectly sane and that everything is gonna be okay and that you can go on your trip without fear of living the rest of your life with regretful yearning.
She’s a lovely gal.
Deep breath.
We’re gonna be juuuuust fine.
Kisatrtle says
Everyone has these fears. But you arent really living if you give into them. What if something happens to ur friend and u never got a chance to visit her? Go on ur trip. Make some memories.
Vinobaby says
What if an meteorite collides with the Earth in your backyard? What if someones pet monkey escapes and eats your face? What if a crazy convict holds you hostage on your next trip to Walmart? Life is full of “what if’s”. Do what you want to do, what you need to do.
And have a big glass of wine. It will calm you down and help you realize every little thing will be alright (thanks Bob).
Cheers.
VB
A Mommy in the City says
Good to know I’m not the only one that has these fears. I probably think about that stuff way more than I should. I need a voice of reason in to tell me to stop acting like a crazy person, that everything IS going to be just fine!
Emily Humphries says
I’m right with ya on that one. I try not to think about it to often totally drives me crazy! Just hang in there and realize you just have to treasure every moment and try not to worry. I’m the queen of worrying so I know how difficult that can be. Good luck teaching your daughter how to cook I banned my boys from the kitchen the other day after quite a mess. May have to try again another day.
Dianna says
Isn’t it amazing how fear can rule our lives if we let it?? Vinobaby hit it on the head: it doesn’t matter where we are or what we’re doing: when our time comes, that’s it!
Jen says
Yup, you are going to be just fine.
Angel says
Sweetie imagine not having the desire to ever leave your house, despite having a newborn, because of all those fears. I have been there done that wrote that chapter in the book. My fears were so overwhelming I didn’t even leave my house more then 50 miles for nearly 10 years. Other then to visit our dad but it fell in my thought of a typical place I go. I had to make the choice to step forward. My fears so great I would awaken in the middle of the night having panic attacks.
I have learned that life happens whether I am locked in my house or outside of it .. go and make memories not regrets.
Kate F. says
It is so hard to not live with a “what-if” mind set. I get the same way. But I have to keep telling myself not to let the bad “what-ifs” win. Instead of thinking WHAT IF the kitchen burns down, I have to remind myself to think… WHAT IF my daughter becomes a great cook! The glass is always half full! Right!?! (Not! – but still giving it an honest effort!) Great Post!
Loukia says
Aw. Great post. I am just like you. I am riddled with guilt, all the time. Of leaving the home every day to go to work, of actually leaving my kids for three days to get ON A PLANE to go to BlogHer, for purely selfish reasons, and what if, and what if… every day, I think the worst case scenario. Every day I worry and worry and worry some more…
Not Winning Mom of the Year says
This is soooo true. I just wrote a post last week about guilt, and while making myself feel even more guilty and depressed when I was writing it, I was regretting things as I went on. I feel like guilt and regret are coupled together somehow… glad to know Im not alone.
Jennifer says
I do stuff like this too. All the time. David keeps me balanced. When he sees me spinning of into “what if” land he pulls me out and makes me do stuff that isn’t crazy.
LB says
I have an irrational fear that someone will kidnap my kids and harm them or kill them. Just this morning, in fact, as I watched my son brush his teeth, I began to imagine some pedophile snatching him out of our front yard!!! My blood pressure went through the roof, and I had a terrible anxious feeling in my gut. Finally, that little voice of sanity smacked me in the head and told me to shut the eff up!
Momma says
I am the same way and even get the shakes when my husband takes all three kids out. “What if they all die and leave me here alone??”
That picture is priceless…
S Club Mama says
I have that inner battle too often. :)
Kelly Deneen says
Your picture is awesome. :)
I tend to blame laziness on us not getting out of the house, rather than my anxiety about what could happen. heh.
Reignbeau says
That’s more than sebesnli! That’s a great post!
witchycrazymommy says
i love blogging! it beats the therapist, here i was thinking i’m about to become an agoraphobic. Thanks for putting things in perspective. I realize now I just got my momentary “crazies” and we are gonna be juuuuussst fine ;-)
Paulina J! says
Man, am I glad that I’m not the only one who thinks like this. My husband has been out of town this week and I keep thinking about someone breaking into the house, so I think of ways that I can hide or run away. I live in a VERY safe neighborhood, but set the alarm as soon as I walk in the door. I know it’s sad, but you never know!
I’m learning to relax, although I think once I have children it’ll get worse.
Nicole, the queen of this life says
Like I always say, when my brain does that, it needs a leash.
Kristy says
I have the same voices in my head too! Tiring with all that bickering going on sometimes. But, yes, ultimately the voice that says, “It’s going to be juuuuust fine,” wins. Hallelujah!
Christine King says
90% bloggi g moms have…is that true?
Christi says
Thank you for putting some of my own fears and anxieties into words. I also believe I’m currently living a life I’ll someday look back on and miss, and I want to make the most of it. But I sometimes catch myself having similarly terrifying thoughts. I remember having alot of thoughts like that after my first daughter was born, and am again now that we’ve added another family member. I think, for me anyway, it’s worse when they’re little babies – they are just so vulnerable. Anyway, thanks again for the post. Good to know it’s not just me. :-)
leslie says
I don’t like those voices in my head but they keep coming back! I know your feeling exactly…it can make you crazy :-)
What is about women’s minds that we can’t seem to just “shut them off” sometimes?
Hopefully, we all have that balance from the “other voice” in our head or someone in our lives!
Nice to know I’m not the only one…
Marie says
This is my favorite post. Thank you!
Nicole @MTDLBlog says
This kind of worry got worse when I had kids. Before then, I lived in blissful ignorance and made some stuuuuuuupid choices in regards to my own safety. But, now I’ve got those girls depending on my to be here for them and I am going to try my hardest to make sure that I don’t let them down. BUT there is only so much we can control so I take control of what I can and hope for the best otherwise. I check our car seats for proper installation and turn on the house alarm at night – because those are some of the things I can do to protect my home and kids. The rest is up to chance. Although, I still have those battles in my head (much like the one you illustrated) I try really hard to get through it and live life. I hope you decide to go on your road trip! I’m sure it’ll make for great blogging fodder! :-)
tori nelson says
They leave that bit out of all the Parenting Books. What To Expect When You’re Expecting forgot to tell us to expect to fret and worry about ALL THINGS EVER. Now ever sharp furnishing, rough surface, or potential harm is threatening my wonderful mom life, and I don’t like it. I think you are right. The only thing to do is remind yourself that the risks are hardly as risky as we think them to be! Great post :)
Jenny says
I always do that too. I literally stayed awake for a week last year worrying about a plane trip we were taking to the Bahamas. I kept envisioning the plane going down in the ocean or crashing when we landed. But we went and I survived :)
rebecca says
My motto is “death is everywhere” (only somewhat sarcastic). It drives my kids nuts, they say I am way too paranoid, but such is my reward for being a parent.
ThePeachy1 says
As someone who nearly took 2 dirt naps in the last 10 days just from getting out of bed. Can I please urge you with all my heart, to take my personal motto to heart. This life is a journey not a job. Don’t let one second pass you by. Live each second to the fullest. Because if you do get taken on out on the way to Target or by an omlet on the stove, you want each of those memories of those awesome road trips, and sing alongs and fist fights and stop touching me’s to be there. You control you, and if you don’t you damn sure better pretend you do in front of those short people. Make it count baby, we get 1 trip don’t keep your eyes closed.
Kir says
Seriously…do you live in my head. I think it comes from having kids…from worrying about them, losing them or being gone from their lives that drives us to these images. I hate being that paranoid. Plus I don’t want to miss the ‘good stuff’ by being worried about the ‘bad stuff’ .
Lisa Perry says
Oh wow… are you living in my head without paying rent?
I suffered from anxiety for years (never knew it had a name until recently, ugh). And we DID get in a car accident that was pretty bad, so me? Driving? Even almost 3 years later it is HARD.
I once found myself up at 1am sobbing uncontrollably. Why? I imagined what life would be like if I was suddenly struck blind.
I’m trying to get control of it… you can too!! (((HUGS)))
Anne Province says
Motherhood guilt. I stuggle with all these worries and so want to go visit my college roommate and her kids. I’ve made the trip before but anxiety gets the better of me again. I say “I know I can do it because I’ve done it before” but what if this or that happens? I’m scared. Can I do it alone? I know I better go see her because she’s not driving down here to see me (she’d have to cross that very big, scary Bay Bridge to get to me!) We all have fears but the best way to get over them is to conquer them. Our kids will look up to us and love us for our bravery!
Lex says
It is hard to keep some of those thoughts away. Though I don’t let them take me over, if I did – my kids would never leave the house, nor would I! It’s still good to know that I’m not the only one.
notyummymummy says
The worse thing is you end up feeling guilty about being anxious….
Jill says
Is that “stable character” in your head me? I’ll assume, for lack of a more reasonable explanation, that it is… and in that case, I agree. I AM quite lovely. And I’ve always considered myself a grounding force in your existence.
You’re welcome.
Kim says
This ‘snowball effect’ of what if’s pile on me, usually after I’ve read a news story that makes me cry or hear a story from a friend that pulls us both down in tears. It’s easier for me to stop the what if’s, but it isn’t as easy to shake off that feeling of doom and worry and the incredible fear of pain if I ever lose one of my daughters. So I try to not even let myself get started down that path, but it isn’t easy in today’s world when we’re informed by the media of all kinds of real stories happening to real people who may be our neighbors.
Leigh Ann says
I have this horrible thing where I imagine the worst possible things happening: someone kicking in our door while I’m home alone with the kids; me suffering from a stroke or passing out and they don’t understand why I won’t get up or respond; and most recently, what in the world would I do should I drive off a bridge into a river? I couldn’t possible get all 3 of them unbuckled from their car seats and out of the water at once. I’m actually getting a little anxious just typing this. And I don’t even have an anxiety disorder! But I also have my internal voice and my prayers to calm me down and reassure me. But sometimes it’s maddening.
Exurban Cowgirl says
I have those kinds of irrational fears all the time since I became a parent but don’t recall having them pre-kids. Maybe I was suppressing them with work, friends, booze etc. and just didn’t notice. Or are they caused by biochemical changes in our brains after giving birth?
Lady goo goo gaga says
It is a slippery slippery slope, my friend. I could so easily end up in the looney bin…..if I let myself think too much. One good thing is Oprah is over, so I won’t find out about as much new stuff to be afraid of!!
Kimberly says
I’m a new reader! I have these same thoughts and fears. I constantly toy with the “what ifs” in my head. I could be taking the kids for a walk and I worry about a car losing control and driving onto the sidewalk, hitting us. I worry about everything! I think, as a mom, it’s natural. But you’re absolutely right, it’s going to be just fine!
Kenna Ray says
I am SO glad that it’s not just me. I do this all the time. I just have to force myself to realize that you can’t live your life in fear. If you worry about all of the “what ifs” before you make a move, you’ll never do anything. You might as well live in a bubble. Same is true with worrying about your children. Perhaps it’s time to watch Finding Nemo?
Beth Horn says
OMG I can totally relate! I wish I could just turn off my mind! I have a plan A, B, and C for everything because I just know something will just go wrong or blow up in my face. I am not a scheduled out structured person by any means but I always have a back up plan or a sort of next option when the shit hits the fan.
And I too have often worried about things happening, like when my car was not running well, I kept feeling like the engine was going to catch fire, and how would I get the kids out of their car seats and who would be first, etc. etc. OMG I can get on a roll.
So glad that I am not the only “non-perfect” blogger out here :)
Thanks for sharing!
Tracy P. says
You got that right! Perfect expression. :-)