When I agreed to become the matriarch of our household by marrying my husband I did not know this meant I would be in charge of all things household related. I wasn’t prepared to be the finder of all things, or the cleaner of all things, or the cooker of all things. I did not know about man colds or man caves or the brutal honesty men bring to the table.
I know now.
I’ve been married for nearly 32 dog years and have felt every passing hour of it. I have learned many things on this very long, long, road and I feel it my duty to pass along tips to help women everywhere learn how to train a husband and ensure a happy marriage :
1. Your Husband loves Biscuits!
Like an eager Labrador Retriever, your husband too works best when rewarded with biscuits. Only his biscuits might come in the form of video games, drinks with his buddies, or a nice steak dinner. A good trainer understand what motivates her husband and must use the reward system to motivate him to do her bidding. Note: Sex must be used sparingly and only in the most dire of scenarios. Training your husband to expect ‘whoopie’ for every job well done is a disaster in the making.
2. Your Husband can Cook!!!
Your husband might make things like cooking and laundry and child rearing seem hard. He will burn food, put things in wrong places and dress your child in leather catsuits. These ‘fails’ are ploys to make you believe your husband is incapable of completing said tasks so that you will stop asking him to participate. Call his bluff and continue to boost his ego for his efforts or forever accept your fate as the only person capable of properly caring for these items.
3. Your Husband is the Decision Maker!
Men don’t like to feel backed into corners. They like to be the decision makers. Your job as his trainer is to make him feel like he’s the one making decisions. Instead of saying, “I need you to watch the kids today so I can go shopping” you say “Do you want to take all of the kids to the mall with me today or should I just go alone?” He gets to make his manly decision on the matter and you? My dear. Are going shopping either way.
4. Your Husband is always Right…
That’s a joke. We all know the man of the family wants to be in charge, but based on his biological make up I can tell you this just isn’t possible. We both know your husband is full of it, but it’s important to build up that ego if you want him to be happy. Remember, a happy man is much easier to train than a cranky one so this step is important. Every now and again say things like “That is so interesting! I never thought of it like that!” or “Good point honey, you’re always spot on!” It doesn’t matter what he’s talking about, just say it for the sake of his ego.
5. Your husband is SO strong!!
The more often you express this the more determined he will be to own it. “Honey, have you been working out?? You are sooo strong! Can you take this recycling out for me? Can you bring these baskets of laundry upstairs? Will you hold the baby…my arms are beginning to shake with fatigue!?!” You see where I’m going with this. The stronger your husband believes he is the less physical labor you’ll be expected to do. Win.
With these five key elements in place you can bet your husband will be well trained in no time and your years together might be tolerable. Take it from me…the 32 dog years of work I’ve put into training my husband has resulted in an extremely happy and satisfying marriage.
Now you’ll excuse me…I have some shopping to do.